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[27 Jul 2004|08:52pm] |
i am nothing that you will remember for long.
probably vice versa also, as you can see, i do this a lot.
new names, new faces, each one surmounting to the same thing: just one lost memory, just one lost sickness, just one lost obsession, just one lost way to keep myself afloat, and one lost way to remind myself that life goes on, even when it is dark outside.
its all right though, because while you are in my "heart", while you are in my "soul" i will hold you above all of those before you, and all of those to follow! you will be a god! you will be an ocean! you will be greater in my mind, than you have ever been in your own.
and this is the way of my world. so pay attention closely.
i am endeared, and i am infatuated, and you are everything i could hope for. and i will drool and i will die and i will shed tears while trying to make you mine. but as sure as the sun rises in the morning sky, i will fail, and you will be only yours, never to be called my own. and when i falter, and when i am scourged by your need to say no, i will hide my head in a jilted shame.
NO! I NEVER KNEW YOU!
NO! YOU WERE NEVER WORTH MY TIME!
NO! I COULDNT HAVE LOVED YOU!
NO ! I NEVER WANTED YOU FOR MINE!
but as sure as the sun rises in the morning sky, i will be bleeding from the inside out. sure as the sun rises in the morning sky, my innards will be twisting and congealing with real hatred, with real fear, with real rejection, and real regret. my insides will be dripping with the strongest breed of malice and melancholy.
don't worry too much however, because as sure as the sun rises in the morning sky, i am strong even when i am weak. and when i am torn down, i always find my way back up. i always find my way back to the pivot point of pain. so dont worry, because as a nameless man, temporarily filling my nameless void, my nameless face will always be back for more.
thank god. thank god. thank god. thank god that i always come back for more.
dont let me love you too hard.
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[06 Jun 2004|09:31pm] |
i think that i have lost my mind. something in your eyes stole it while we were talking. i cannot recall when it was that this theft took place, but i vividly remember and know of the sparkling light that your gleaming eyes always seem to be emitting.
what is it about your lips that has made them so inviting? what is it about your articulation that sounds so smooth, each of your words coated and glossed to perfection? and your delicate hands, what has made their touch so addicting and so afraid? your mind couldn't have been made in the same fashion that the rest of the world's minds were manufactured. there is something far too wonderful and too special about you. there is something far too much like the stars, resting in your face, for you to actually be one of us.
i cannot pinpoint your essence anymore than i can pinpoint the moment that my mind went flying off with your words. i cannot understand the things which you radiate anymore than i can understand why i speak and think and rationalize in the ways that i do.
and now, with you in mind, the value of a sentence is lost. there is no reason to say anything anymore.
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[01 Jun 2004|08:02pm] |
today, i made a list of some words that bring you to mind. the more i think the further i get. and the further i get, the closer i crave you to me. if ever i grow the guts to summon my feelings to the raw surface, you will be the first to know.
longing. desire. yearning. thirst. craving. hungering. pining. ardent. lust. passion. fleshy desire. lasciviousness. salaciousness. satyriasis. covet. lunacy. madness. mental derangement. dementia. folly. imprudence. luminescent. glowing. gleaming. shimmering, glistening. twinkling. flickering. phosphorescent. radiant. lustrous. brilliant. lucid. crystalline. resplendent. dazzling. lovely. attractive. exquisite. delightful. charming. pleasant. winsome. fascinating. engaging. endearing. irresistible. love. passion. tender affection. rapture. amorous. ador. fondness. amity. cordiality. relish. lose one's heart to. bask. learning. culture. wisdom. erudition. enlightenment. cultivate. tenderfoot. wise. profound. deep. beauty. ravishing. pulchritudinous. captivating. excellent. splendid. admirable. magnificent. open. welcoming. exposed. sincere. natural. artless. honest. extroverted. perfect. exact. accurate. precise. true. pure. correct in every detail. flawless. unerring. continual. faultless. unblemished. whole. entire. unbroken. absolute. peerless. untainted. sublime. words. articulate sounds. unit of discourse. sobriquet. absolutely amazing. from your mouth. from your mouth. your mouth.
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[11 May 2004|11:26pm] |
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my room smells like something that i used to belive in. and as i just walked up the staircase, i heard myself say, "anything for you." that was when i realized how the memories in my mind are different as of late.
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[01 May 2004|01:11pm] |
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it has always knotted my mind.. the things that humans do, without saying a word.
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[21 Apr 2004|10:48pm] |
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an itch on your hip? but maybe you just like to come back into open doors after walking out. so i am closing, and i am closing. and you have destroyed my plan. it wont take much to pry my feet back onto the tracks i was treading, but don't ever mistake my voice for something condescending. i'll get back, and i'll get back, and i cant keep closing down. but on you. its so different. and it's got me thinking. and with somethings like the faces that he makes in the back of dark rooms, with music blaring, and the blood that traces the outskirts of his fingertips and the little breaths i hear in my ear when i am so near to sleep. somethings like that make me know that i cant help it. it is always so much bigger than what we think we can control. even in my most solid attempts to mold myself into something less deformed, i quickly turn to liquid when i open my flighty eyes.
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[15 Apr 2004|02:37pm] |
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i am seeing more and more intended patterns in your way of sporadic doings.
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[12 Apr 2004|07:57pm] |
just life
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[12 Apr 2004|02:29pm] |
having pockets to keep the pills.
things are so much easier when being loud is ok, when there isn't life at stake.
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[12 Apr 2004|03:20am] |
full heartedly
your beliefes should never work with the world.
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[08 Apr 2004|02:59am] |
and then i forgot the letters that wore holes in my heart.
i should have sang while i still had a voice. but now something is missing and most things are gone.
but how wonderful it is, the sun wakes up in the morning.
i am ruled by seconds.
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[07 Apr 2004|09:39pm] |
you, mike fitzsimmions, are killing my mind.
without speaking, without moving, without being alive in this world of mine, you are killing my thoughts.
stabbing with a serrated edge, beating with a blunted tool.
you went away from my thoughts because i put you out. i kicked you out. i willed myself close to hate for you. i willed myself. i willed myself. you will never know.
but i have some how let you back in. and you will never know. i have somehow let you back in.
you are right. i liked you best when i had no one else. i ran to you most when i was cracking. your breathy voice came as sweet relief in my hours of momentary breaking.
i can still hear it, belive it or not. i can still hear it.
i came to you when i needed you.
and dammit i need you. i need you now. i need you now.i need your conversation. i need your mind on my ear's edge. i need your words, and your over-opinionated views, and your stupid political ramblings. i need your made up words and your true stomach laugh. i need those things right now.
maybe it is a good thing, that you are denying me those things, because i know if i were to have them, the risk of me filling myself to the brim with you would be far too great. because i would drink you alive, then spit you out as soon as i realized how overwhelmed i was feeling.
i think also, this is why i haven't made a greater attempt at regaining your friendship.
what happens if i succeed in that endeavor and end up needing more than that?
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[07 Apr 2004|01:04am] |
i said it, and i will say it again
there is this really weird feeling in my legs and toes and hands and arms and fingers and ears and chest and heart.
its like listening to music with the volume down but still hearing everything, or walking out of a room, out of a door, that leads you back into the room you just left. then walking back out of the room and back out of the door and back into that room again. never really noticing how many times you do it or sitting with your legs crossed for too many moments. or laying in bed without moving for too long. or like having trouble falling asleep at night. or having a ponytail holder not fit the right way. or having pants that are too lose around the knees.
its like drinking ice water after taking a nap, or getting car sick on a long trip. or even on a short trip. its like eating dinner when you are not hungry and its like shoe laces that always come undone, or underwear that always rides up past your jeans' waist band. its like a watch that always falls off, or a piece of jewelry that always comes unhatched. its like accidentally poking your eye. or tripping on your way up a concrete staircase. like chirstmas time in June and groundhog day in July.
there are about sixteen thousand, two hundred and forty three things that could be related to the way this is.
and our words will never meet at some infinite point and they will never form heaps of brightly sparkling colors and they will never make up part of the greater scheme of things and they will never cure cancer and they will never solve world hunger and they will never turn the world in the opposite direction and they will never make music and they will never write poetry together in the dark on a sad street corner under a yellow moon while wearing scarves in a beautiful autumn scented breeze and they will never like books and sharing philosophies and they will never make cookies together or listen to q and not u or like things that are stupid and this wasn't even supposed to be about this but now it is because what would writting poetry together in the dark, on a sad street corner, under a yellow moon, while wearing scarves, in a beautiful autumn scented breeze, making everyone jealous be without the boy who made the walk for hot chocolate worth it?
now i cannot show case anything. and our words will never intertwine and cure the cause of this horrible static that consumes the flesh that forms the joints of millions of people everyday, every hour, every second.
how can any of this be?
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[06 Apr 2004|09:28pm] |
this starts the story of something that will always lack.
you have been gone longer than someone who never comes back
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